Talking Turtles
by Escollido
Summary: Dialog fics. On a nightly stake-out, Raph teaches Mikey and Leo an important lesson about Donnie and his toys. Later, during a movie-marathon, the guys talk about April's first kiss. But wait, shouldn't they all be in bed? And what's this? A Prank War? On-going series of stand-alone one-shots. Open to requests, ideas and suggestions. Please review!
1. Chapter 1: The Batttleshell

"Donnie?"

"Yeah, Mikey?"

"You say the battleshell is fully equipped."

".. Yeah.."

"That she lacks nothing."

"Uh huh."

"She´s got everything."

"Where are you going with this?"

"I disagree."

"Go on?"

"Where´s the toilet?"

"…"

"Where´s the microwave?"

".."

"Where´s the TV? Where´s the kit- OW!"

"She´s got everything we need."

"No, she doesn´t. Weren´t you listening? Toilet, microwave- hey! Stop it!"

"Then be quiet! She´s not a mobile home!"

"But you said you´d put all kinds of stuff in her. But where´s the important stuff?"

"You need to use the toilet, don´t you? And you´re hungry. And bored."

"Well, this is boring! We´re never gonna find the guy! Still, when we get home, you should finish her."

"… She is finished."

"She lacks everything!"

"She´s perfect."

"She´s incomplete."

"Don´t make me defend her honor."

"Why aren´t you guys focusing?"

"Sorry, Leo."

"I was just telling Donnie what improvements he has to make on the Battleshell. You should paint her orange. Orange stripes."

"No."

"You know, now that he mentions it. Can you raise the roof?"

"What? On the Battleshell?"

"Yeah?"

"Why?"

"So that I can train while driving."

"… Raph, tell them that she´s perfect just the way she is. I have thought of everything."

"Not our most dire needs."

"Shut up, Mike. She´s great, Donnie."

" You´re just saying that ´cause Donnie made you the shellcycle!"

"So?"

"So, that´s cheating."

"Don´t care."

"You´re just jealous that I got all these great ideas and- HEY!"

"Leo, permission to kill?"

"… Postponed."

"I think that´s him!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"That´s not him."

"We should have light."

"Mikey, it´s the middle of the night. Don´t you think that would make it a bit obvious that we´re here?"

"No, I mean in the Battleshell. Like disco light. Mostly orange, though. And like, something that makes more people so that we can party! And dance! Can you do that?"

"Of course I can do that."

"YES! You are the greatest, bro!"

"I didn´t say I was going to."

"Aww, man…"

"…"

"Raising the roof would be beneficial for-"

"Shut the shell up, Leo."

"Haha, Donnie told Leo to shut up. Wait. You never do that. Is something wrong?"

"Something definitely is. Let me give you a hint: it starts with an M, it´s sitting right beside me, and I´m going to kick it´s shell unless it shuts the shell up."

"… Don´s mad."

"You asked for it, Mike."

"Oh and the great and powerful, always-asking-for-it dr. Raphie would know."

"Hey, I learned my lesson years ago."

"You learned a lesson? Care to share?"

"Shut up, Leo. It´s simple. Don´t diss Donnie´s toys."

"That´s ridiculous. Don can take criticism. Where´d he go?"

"He said he was gonna get those night vision thingies. And he really can´t. He just shows it differently."

"What do you mean?"

"Well. Let me ask ya somethin´. Who has a shellcycle?"

"You do."

"Who has a sparring robot?"

"You do."

"Who´s got a TV in his room?"

"You do."

"You gettin´it?"

"… No."

"Who here has not been criticizing good ol´ Donnie-boy´s toys?"

"Well-"

"And who has?"

"But-"

"Donnie may not get mad but he doesn´t take to dissing his inventions. He´s just very subtle in his anger."

"Oh."

"You didn´t know? Let´s just say it´s plenty rewarding to be on Donnie´s good side. Praising works too."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"I´m back. Did you see him?"

"Not yet."

"…"

"You know, Donnie, the Battleshell is great, ya know with the missiles and tracking stuff."

"Yeah, I think it was amazing what you did with that chopper we borrowed from Bishop."

"And everything you´ve ever done with the Lair. It´s all thanks to you."

"And the Sewerslider is awesome."

"So are the new Shellcells."

"… thanks."

"…"

"…"

"Ya know what I always wanted? A virtual reality game in my room.. Ya know, the ones with the helmets and you fight for real? That would be awesome.."

"…"

"…"

"It would be nice to have my own sparring robot. And a waterfall. I´d like a waterfall."


	2. Chapter 2: First Kiss

"Bullshit."

"Raph! You're in the presence of a lady!"

"What's bullshit, Raphie?"

"Mikey!"

"What?"

"…"

"He didn't deserve her, Mikey. She should have just kicked him out already."

"This is why I can't bring you guys anywhere."

"I disagree, Raph. He proved that he loved her and wanted to be with her."

"Shuttup, Brainiac, he messed up. She deserves better."

"So you're saying that no one deserves to get a second chance?"

"That's not what Raph's saying, Don. He made a choice and when it turns out bad, he came running back, not caring how much he hurt her. That is unacceptable."

"But, guys! She forgave him! And he was sorry. And they were great together."

"Ever the romantic, Mikey."

"It was her first kiss! She gave her first kiss to a jerk!"

"Calm down, Raphael. Put the sai away."

"I know how to settle this. April!"

"Where'd she go?

"Getting more popcorn, I think."

"APRIL!"

"Yeah?"

"Whaddya think? Was he a douchebag or not?"

"Way to phrase it, Raphie."

"I think he made a mistake, recognized it and changed."

"…"

"…"

"Good thing you have us for when you get your first kiss."

"Guys… I-"

"Like she'll get her first kiss anytime soon. She has to be at least forty-five. She's way young."

"Listen, guys… I've already-"

"And if he hurts her, he dies."

"If he makes her cry, we'll make _him_ cry."

"That's nice, but-"

"And no hippy long hair or dreadlocks. I reserve the right to tie whatever hair that's too long to the Battleshell and drag him down the highway 'till it comes off."

"He should wear a suit. Or at least own one. And have a good job, ya know? So he can support her."

"And us."

"And he has to like children! I wanna be uncle Mikey soon!"

"Enough! Guys!"

"What?"

"I've already had my first kiss! I've had plenty!"

"You've.. already.."

"Name?"

"No! It was my decision and it was fine as far as first kisses go!"

"April, you are too young and infatuated by the thrill of first love to understand this, but these guys are all scum. Now, give me a name."

"No. It happened when I was thirteen and I am older than all of you!"

"… You were thirteen? We've failed. My brothers, we have failed to protect her from the horrors of the real world."

"I hadn't even met you guys back then!"

"Doesn't matter. I'm going to need a list of names of every person who's ever taken advantage of you."

"Absolutely not. I can take care of myself, Leonardo."

"Sure, Ape, but you know, if you don't give us a list, we're gonna find and interrogate every man you've ever interacted with."

"You're exaggerating, Mikey, I am fine! And don't you dare, Donnie!"

"Just let us take care of it. We'll find you a suitable man that you can marry. When you're old enough."

"It's none of your business, Raph."

"Or she could become a nun."

"Oh yeah!"

"Great idea, Leo!"

"Brilliant!"

"… NO!"


	3. Chapter 3: Bedtime

_**A/N Thank you so much for all the reviews, favs and follows! This was intended as a random, not regular thing, therefore updates will be random, not regular and whenever the inspiration hits. Reviews inspire me, though.. Hint, Hint!**_

"Donatello! What are you doing up?"

"… Hi Leo."

"How did you even get out of there? I thought Raph tied you up after your last attempt?"

"He did, but he did a lousy job. It was a simple matter of distraction. Please, Leo, I'm a ninja you know."

"You're a sick ninja. Go back to bed!"

"Ah, but you see, I need to finish-"

"Donatello!"

"Sorry.. But-"

"No."

"Leeeooooo!"

"Stop acting like Mikey. You can't pull it off."

"Keep telling yourself that. The power the younger brother has over the oldest is infinite. I was thinking of conducting an experiment-"

"You've been overruled, Einstein. Go. To. Bed."

"I'll just keep sneaking out, you know."

"I see."

"…"

"…"

"What are you doing?"

"Removing the temptation, little brother."

"Whaddya you- No! I'll be good! See! I'm going to bed!"

"You better or it's bye-bye screwdriver!"

"No, Leo! Even the hammer didn't survive your touch!"

"Found you! Imma drag your shell in here and nail it to the bed this time! Where've you been?"

"… Hi Raph."

"Raphael! You're supposed to be in bed too!"

"I'll sleep when he's sleeping."

"What´s that you're covered in?"

"Uhm. None of your business, Leo."

"Is that.. silly string?"

"Shuddup, Donnie! Go to bed!"

"Why are you covered in silly string anyway?"

"Casey brought some down. He thought we'd have a silly string war. Mikey loved the idea."

"And?"

"And I was thinking that was stupid.. but.. if they were gonna play.. might as well win."

"You had a concussion, Raph, and major blood loss. That wound won't heal unless you stop aggravating it by moving around!"

"Yeah, well, you're sick too, so there."

"What?"

"Both of you, go to bed!"

"I'm giving the orders he- Michelangelo!"

"Ugh. Busted."

"Damn right. What are you doing out of bed?"

"It's just, I'm not allowed to train anyway so I wanted to use this time to beat the boss in.. Why're you all glaring at me?"

"Dammit, all of you! Bed!"

"What about you?"

"What about me, Donnie?"

"Your arm is severely busted."

"So?"

"The only way you could have seen me sneaking out, without me seeing you, is if you were in the Dojo."

"Shell, Leo, were you training?"

"… I was only doing Katas. I'm taking it easy!"

"Geez, Leo, don't you get it? It's all connected. You could be making it worse! You're going to bed too!"

"It's only been two hours since I sent you to bed last time."

"Shush, Mikey!"

"You usually last more than two hours, Leo?"

"Why are you in such a hurry to train again, Fearless?"

"…"

"You're blaming yourself again, aren't you?"

"Not without reason."

"How can it possible be your fault that I got the flue, Raphie got knocked down by PD's going out with Casey, Mikey tried tagging a train and missed and you got your arm busted in an ambush? You always blame yourself for everything!"

"Not without reason."

"You think everything is your responsibility, Fearless."

"Not without reason."

"You think I'm the greatest turtle in the world."

"Not without – Mikey!"

"We're just saying that none of this is your fault. Now, go to your room and go to sleep."

"I'll just finish-"

"Now."

"Fine. But I want to train later, Donnie. I'm not going to get out of shape because of this minor setback."

"Don't make me get Splinter."

"Uhh.. Burn!"

"You wouldn't."

"Come on, Leo. Test me. See how far I'll go."

"…"

"Fine. But we're ALL going back to bed."

"But Leo!"

"I just gotta finish-"

"Casey coming down with more-"

"That was an order."

"…"

"You go first. I dare ya!"


	4. Chapter 4: Partners in Crime

"Absolutely not. Get out."

"I didn't even say anything!"

"You entered the premises. Get out."

"I just want a talk with my favorite brother!"

"What did you break?"

"Nothing, I swear! Why are you so defensive, bro?"

"I have good reason."

"Oh, you're thinking about that time-"

"Yup."

"And when I-"

"Yes."

"And then you-"

"Would you like a repeat of that?"

"No, no! I'm good."

"Good boy. Now get out."

"I'm sure Klunk went in here though."

"He didn't."

"He could have!"

"He didn't."

"Whatcha doing anyway?"

"Boring stuff. Really boring stuff."

"Can I see?"

"No."

"Aww, you suck."

"I do not."

"You so do. Wanna play a game?"

"No."

"Donatello! I am your younger brother! Now pay attention to me!"

"Michelangelo! I am your older brother! Respect my privacy!"

"I will not."

"Of course not. What is it you want?"

"Who said I wanted anything?"

"I've never experienced you wanting nothing."

"Are you serious? I come in here all the time to chat!"

"Just spill it, Mikey. What's today's topic? Broken console? Sai in the screen?"

"No! Dude, I just wanted to say hi."

"Then get it over with and leave."

"I refuse to now!"

"Mikey. Tell my why you came. Immediately."

"Well, Raph said you've been working hard on something for a few days now. Too hard. Haven't seen the outside of your room in days."

"And you thought you'd better come disturb me?"

"Well, no, I thought I'd better come stop you."

"Stop me?"

"All that thinking can't be good for you, little Donnie-Wonnie."

"Don't call me that. And thinking is really good for you. You should try it sometime."

"Nah, too boring. I never think. I can't use it for anything, anyway."

"What? Thinking is immensely useful!"

"Oh yeah? What would I need thinking for?"

"What about those battle strategies you cook up while playing?"

"That's just luck, not actually plans."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You're immensely creative. That's thinking too. All that clever pranking you do, some of it is actually quite impressive. When it isn't turned on me."

"It is? You're just saying that."

"Of course not, Mikey. You do lots of things that demand thinking. Thinking makes you smart."

"You saying I'm smart?"

"Wouldn't go that far, but… yeah, fine. You're smart."

"Aha! You admitted it! And as a newly pronounced smart turtle, by the smartest turtle I know, I'm telling you to take a break."

"What?"

"Come think creatively with me!"

"… Sorry, Mike, I just wanna finish this."

"I guess I wasn't smart enough then."

"For what?"

"For saving my brother from loneliness and misery."

"Wait, Mikey! What do you mean? I'm never lonely with you guys."

"But you don't spend time with us, you t_hink._"

"We just established that you think too."

"… You're sure you don't want to think together for a little while?"

"Mikey.."

"Come on, it'll be fun! Imagine what our two minds put together could create!"

"… That does have great potential."

"And didn't Leo break the heating last week? And Raph blacked out the Lair?"

"They did.."

"Wouldn't a little payback be in order?"

"It would.."

"Shouldn't our creative-thinking-together time somehow involve them? A family activity! We'll make it a weekly thing!"

"That does sound kinda fun."

"Come on, Donnie. You know you want to."

"I do. I really do. But Mikey, you're suggesting a prank war. They never end well."

"My dear naïve immediate older brother. They don't stand a chance against us both. Seperated, we get caught, but together, we are strong!"

"That's true."

"Yes! I'm so excited! My creative thinking and your major knowledge of everything that is – is there anything we can't do?"

"There's nothing we can't do!"

"We'll be undefeatable!"

"Undetectable!"

"My dear brother, it is the oldest versus the youngest!"

"The sharpest versus the smartest!"

"Let's do this."

"Thanks, Mikey. I did need a break."

"Anytime, bro!"


	5. Chapter 5: Busted

_**A/N Thank you so much for the amazing reviews. I've even gotten requests! Now that is awesome. I was surprised by how much power you guys hold over me. Your wish is my command. First up is k0k02417, The White Grim and Aster Sapphire who all wished to see the prank war. Unfortunately, I had to take creative liberty on this one and you might be a bit disappointed. A prank war is amazingly hard to write in dialog only – therefore I give you the aftermath. Next up is Doctor-Hamato, so stay tuned and feel free to request: Let's have some fun!**_

"Donatello."

"Sensei."

"Michelangelo."

"Yes, dad? I love you. I really, really do."

"An appreciated sentiment, however-"

"Me too!"

"Yes, Donatello. But I will need an explanation and I require it immediately."

"Of what, dad? Donnie and I were simply discussion the simple matter of evolution."

"Mikey… At least say something believable."

"Are you encouraging your brother to lie, Donatello?"

"Of course not, Sensei."

"But we did, Donnie! Dad, we were simply trying to figure out if Raphie orients from apes or fish."

"Well, actually-"

"No, Don, it's not what's important right now! The important thing is that we came out of the experiment alive and well."

"Until dad is done with us."

"Oh, ye of little faith."

"Hrmp. Michelangelo. While I admire your talent of speaking so many words without actually saying anything, I will not be delayed any further. What happened?"

"I think you have to be more specific, Sensei. A lot happened."

"Very well. Why is Raphael having trouble breathing? Donatello?"

"Oh. Probably a mixture of a mild panic attack and the frozen mentos that accidently emerged in his coke."

"Ticking time bomb. Dude, I've never seen a snort like that."

"It was epic."

"It truly was.."

"Stop that! I will not have you reminiscing about your brother's misfortune. You are both in serious trouble."

"Sorry, Sensei."

"Now. There was muttering of bugs as well."

"Ah well."

"Want me to take that one, Don?"

"By all means."

"We sorta got a lot of bugs to attack him."

"How did you manage that?"

"… We sprayed him with a bug hormone. The second he left the sewers, it went crazy, bugs came from everywhere, trying to mate with him! Hilarious! Did we freak him out?"

"Admittedly, a little. Leonardo is coaxing him out of the refrigerator as we speak."

"Cool. Gettit?"

"No. Now, what did you do to Leonardo?"

"Sensei.. You've got to be more specific."

"Why was Leonardo crying?"

"Oh. Donnie told him a story about weapons betraying warriors they felt unworthy. Meanwhile, I glued his swords to their sheds. Then he went to train his senses and all that jazz. You should have seen his face when he couldn't get them out!"

"Stop laughing! I already told you, this is not funny!"

"… It's a little funny, Sensei."

"It was not funny!"

"Me thinks he does protest too much, Donnie."

"Michelangelo! Now, why is Leonardo covered in scales and red slime?"

"Oh, that was a bet."

"I told him that it was an impossible shot."

"And I told _him_, that that was a negative attitude."

"Where'd you get live fish, anyway, Mikey?"

"A true crimefighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt."

"You don't have utility belt. You have a belt."

"… We should really have utility belts though."

"I could make the pockets bigger on the inside."

"Duuude!"

"Silence!"

"My sons, at least explain why you would start such a.. prank war."

"You didn't mention th-"

"Shuttup, Mikey!"

"Oh, right. What I mean to say is… uhm.."

"I wouldn't call it a war exactly."

"Why not, Donatello? You don't believe your brothers will retaliate?"

"Perhaps. But a war suggests that both sides have an equal chance of winning. And we kicked their shells!"

"High three!"

"Yeah!"

"Enough! Michelangelo, you will go clean up the mess in the dojo. There are fish and a jelly-like substance everywhere."

"Aww, man."

"Donatello, you will assure Raphael that no bugs will come get him and help him out of the fridge."

"Yes, Sensei."

"I will decide your punishment later. For now, the two of you are forbidden to work together on anything other than training and missions. Perhaps Leonardo and Raphael will have a few suggestions on further punishment. Now, go!"

"…"

"Dammit, Mikey, I thought you said we wouldn't get caught."

"What? So it escalated a bit more that I originally had planned. Did you even know you had such an untapped prankster potential?"

"We still got caught. Let me just get my big bag of _I-told-you-so's_. Seems I'm handing them out for free. Maybe you'll listen to me next time."

"It's kinda hard not to get caught when he's only got four to choose from and two were the victims. Maybe next time we should fake prank ourselves. I bet that'd give Sensei a headache. Hey, no regrets?"

"Oh, shell no, that was amazing! Trying to hit a blindfolded Leo with a fish as he skirts around on jelly trying to pull his swords out? Most hilarious thing I've ever seen. "

"And Raph running into the Lair, screaming, choking and yelling about humping insects – dude! Haven't laughed that hard in months. I like to think they relieved some stress as well. Same time next week?"

"Yeah, we're really doing them a favor. Definitely."


	6. Chapter 6: Parenting Methods

_**A/N Hi guys! Thanks so much for reviewing, it makes me very happy! Doctor-Hamato's request was a convo with Splinter and April, and Mikey bothering a PD. I decided to challenge myself and do it all in one. Let's see how that worked out, shall we? And let me know what you think. Warning for language.**_

"Splinter?"

"Hello April."

"What are you doing here?"

"It seems the last to yell _not it_ will be getting the dinner."

"You're waiting for the pizza man?"

"I am. It is unwise to discuss with four hungry teenagers. Choose your battles, April."

"I see. And I know exactly what you mean. They should learn to respect their elders."

"It helps to have a walking stick nearby."

"I'll have to remember that."

"_Let me go, you turtle-wanged muleweed!"_

"What's going on out there?"

"Michelangelo decided to join me. We stumbled across one of those members from the Pink Kitties."

"You mean the Purple Dragons?"

"… Raphael informed me they were called the Pink Kitties."

"Yeah. Okay. Uhm, so that was him?"

"Yes, I believe Michelangelo is having a few choice words with him."

"_Hey! You gonna bark all day, pup, or are you actually gonna bite?"_

"_Just get me down from here, you ugly freak!"_

"_Watch your language! I mean, God made me pretty. Though, what the shell did he do to you?"_

"_Get away from me. Ugh, you smell like burned popcorn and wet socks!"_

"_Says the guy whose idea of a clean shirt is one that doesn't fight him when he puts it on."_

"_Shut up or I'm gonna shove my bat up into your ass and turn you into a pop stickle!"_

"_Yeah, well I'll-"_

"MICHELANGELO! Do not stoop to his level!"

"_SORRY, SENSEI!"_

"Now, where were we? Ah yes, so my sons ordered the pizza to you home. I hope this is acceptable."

"Of course, I always love having you guys over."

"_QUIT POKING ME!"_

"_It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with an icepick."_

"_GARGH!"_

"_Eww, your tongue is forked. That's just creepy, dude."_

"And we enjoy your hospitality. You must promise me to let me know if it becomes too much."

"I just wish I could keep them in order like you do."

"I find that assigning them chores helps. They are terrified of those."

"I tried that, but Raph usually breaks whatever I need help with by dropping it. And I get Donnie to do chores all the time, and he rarely does anything wrong. On purpose."

"I see."

"_What are you doing?! I swear I will bitchslap you using solely the power of my fucking mind! Hey, that's MY shoe!"_

"_Ya know, ten toes... It's a shell-of-a-lot. Why so many? And hair. I mean, humans are weird, you have hair everywhere. Does it even help keeping you warm? I once saw a dog. That looked warm. You look weird. Oh my God, it's in your nose! Doesn't that tickle?"_

"_Hey, personal space! And you're fucking green, so there!"_

"_Hey, I'm not perfect. Though, I'm so close it scares me sometimes-"_

"_You're so full of yourself!"_

"_I plead the fifth."_

"_Huh?"_

"I did find one thing that works, though."

"And what is that?"

"I call it my stern mother-voice. Even Raph looks down in shame and retreats if I pull that card."

"I would be happy to see that someday."

"Oh, I can show you now!"

"_Dude, you've got boobs. I had no idea men could-"_

"MICHELANGLO HAMATO! You will get that man down and apologize, right NOW!"

"_But, Apriiil, he's a criminal!"_

"NO BUTS, I will NOT have you violating that poor man! Get up here and carry the food for your father! OR SANTA IS GIVING YOU COAL FOR CHRISTMAS, YOUNG MAN!"

"… _Sorry, dude. I gotta go. It was fun though."_

"_Dude, your mom sounds scary. Get me down first?"_

"_No can do. But I'll call the police real quick so you won't be here too long."_

"_Yeah, okay, man. Can you put my shoe back on so I don't freeze? Hope you don't get grounded."_

"_Me too. You better tie it yourself, I've never had to wear sneakers before. Oh, and I hope I don't see ya again! Keep clean!"_

"MICHELANGELO!"

"_Gotta go! Bye!"_

"And that's how it's done."

"That was.. quite impressive, Miss O'Neil."


	7. Chapter 7: Home Alone

"You're sure you're going to be okay?"

"Yeah, Leo, relax. I'll be fine."

"You're sure?"

"Yes!"

"Okay. Listen, there should be food enough for at least a month-"

"You're gonna be gone for two days."

"Please, Mikey, you eat more than only two days of provisions, better safe than sorry. I don't want you starving."

"I can take care of myself. I make most of the food around here anyway."

"I know, I know. Now, I've put out a few masks for you on your bed, so you won't walk around naked."

"We always do that."

"I'm not having you wear dirty masks, nor am I having you handle the washing machine."

"It was ONE time! Just go, Leo!"

"Remember to take a shower every day, and clean up after you. We're not coming back to a dirty home, understand?"

"Yup."

"But remember not to break the restrictions Splinter made! You're not allowed to touch soap, vacuums or go anywhere near any sort of sprays or sponges."

"I won't."

"Good and- stop pushing. Wait a minute! Okay, I've put some numbers on the table. Just April's and Casey's and 991, though don't call them, and Leatherheads, or you could just go to him, are you sure you don't want to just live with him until we get back? Or he could come here! Or maybe-"

"You're rambling! Now, go! I'll be fine. Promise, I'll stay out of trouble."

"That's it, I'm not going."

"Leo! Geez!"

"Fine, but I may have drawn some arrows in the fridge."

"Leo!"

"Fine! I'm going. Be careful."

"Leo. I will be fine."

"Okay. Bye, Mikey."

"Wow, that took longer than expected."

"He just cares."

"Yeah, I know, Donnie."

"Anyway, I got a few instructions as well, I've written them down."

"This is a book."

"Yes. Anyway, basically - don't break anything, and if you do, put it away slowly and don't try to fix it."

"But I might be able to-"

"No."

".. Fine."

"And don't go anywhere near my lab or my room."

"I won't."

"And if it has wheels, an engine, can be turned on, is liquid or firm, hard or soft, smelly or smoking, hot or cold or has any sort of buttons, screens or switches at all – stay away. No touching!"

"I would never!"

"I'm sure you wouldn't. Take care, Mikey. Don't touch."

"Bye, Donnie!"

"Finally! Shell, Knucklehead, you're holding us up."

"It's not me, Raphie, they're having a hard time leaving 'cause they're gonna miss me so much. What, you gonna tie me to a chair?"

"Are ya crazy? I can't wait to get you outta my shell. Two days away from the most annoying turtle on Earth – it's gonna be a vacation."

"Aww, you're breaking my heart here."

"Shuttup. So.."

"So."

"If you get in trouble, you call me."

"Aw."

"Shuttup."

"You're so sweet."

"And you call Casey. And anyone we've ever met. You get the entire Justice Force to come save your shell."

"Raphie, you do care!"

"No, I just know you need someone to save you like the dorky damsel you are."

"Well, I do make a beautiful expressive hero-like call for help."

"You scream like a girl."

"Not the point."

"Ya know, you should just stay down here."

"Uh-huh."

"Just.. to be on the safe side."

"Sure."

"And maybe not even go out in the sewers. It's just two days, ya know."

"I will watch TV and play games the entire time, promise."

"Right. You're getting fat, you know."

"Am not."

"Are too. See you in two days."

"Bye, guys! Don't miss me too much! And tell Leo not to call every hour! And I know you're monitoring my lifesigns, Donnie, don't panic when I lose the chip-thingie! And I'm not opening the door for Casey when he comes to check on me!"


	8. Chapter 8: Disarmingly Alarming

_**A/N Thank you for the reviews! Some things in this one I like, some things I didn't like so much, but I'd like to know what's funny to you? Especially the last part. Also, trying out a new thing – basically, italic is speaking away from the communicator to a turtle with them, and regular is speaking through the communicator to the turtle somewhere else. Let me know if it's too confusing or if you got it in one:)**_

"Don? Do you copy?"

"Of course I do, Leo. I build these things and you think the reception could be bad? Please."

"Sorry."

"Did you find the bomb?"

"Yeah, about that.."

"Big?"

"Uhm.."

"Dammit. Huge, then. Well, what's it look like?"

"_Raph, what do you think this looks like? .. Yes, a bomb, I know, but we gotta describe it to him… I'm not saying that… It does not! … What's a-?.. You're one messed up turtle, you know that? _Okay, Don, it sorta has two big tubes with liquid in them. And a panel of sorts. Lots of wires. A countdown, obviously."

"How long?"

"About ten minutes. Plenty of time for you to get here, right?"

"Uhm. I'll be working on it. Mikey's trying to clear a path for us at the moment."

"Not what I wanted to hear."

"You'll be fine, Leo, I can talk you through this. _Yeah, it's Leo.. We have got to get there fast.. Just find a way.. He wouldn't do that, Mikey.. _Leo, tell Raph not to kick the bomb. _Yeah, fine_, or stick his sais in it."

"Tch, Raph's not gonna_ – Raph! RAPH! Don't, OH GREAT, you made it LEAK!.. No, it didn't stop the countdown! … I don't care if it works in movies!.. Oh, no, you back away from that bomb right now. Now! Raphael, I order you to stay as close to the bomb as you possibly can… _Did I tell you how much easier my life has become after that book you got me?"

"Reversed psychology?"

"Yup. Nine minutes, Don. Tell me you're moving."

"Uh, yeah, about that.."

"You're not coming, are you?"

"We'll be cutting it close. Check that it's safe to open it up. I've seen you do that plenty of times, when Splinter got extra creative during trap training."

"Raph says it wasn't trap training, it was his way of getting all the cookies."

"And he always does. Can you open it?"

"… yeah._ No! Raph! I am taking those sais away from you if you're gonna stick them everywhere! It didn't make the TV work. Why would it work here?"_

"I hope that comment wasn't associated with the bomb."

"Of course not, Don! Raph was testing how far he could shove it up my-"

"Leonardo!"

".. Well, I get a little stressed out about ticking bombs, okay?_ No, throwing it out the window won't help… What about the people down there? .. No, I don't think they'll just move.. Yeah, an evacuation probably would be easier than this.. Oh ha ha, I doubt even showing my face would get them out of range fast enough. No, you're ugly!"_

"Geez, guys, a little trust here? I have safely guided you through operating several kitchen appliances by now, I can guide you through this too."

"You're right. Not much difference between a toaster and a bomb. Sorry."

"Now, if you're certain that opening it won't trigger anything, let's see what's inside. Carefully."

".. This is a bigger mess than Mikey's room. I'm looking at a huge pile of colored spaghetti."

"Well, what did you expect? A big off button?"

".. You're being sarcastic, aren't you?"

"Not liking the situation any more than you do. Give me something to work with, Leo."

"Fine, let's see. _Yeah, I know. Good thing we aren't colorblind. I just know we're not. Because we're not. Shut up. _Red, yellow, blue, green, black and white."

"And?"

"… They all seem to be connected to something."

"I would expect so. There should be a few unlabeled wires. Three of those we need to cut in the correct sequence."

"Okay. _No, I can cut just fine with my sword. We've been over this, Raph. I have the better weapon. I'm not cutting toast with it to prove it. Perfect slice? Don't tell me you use your-, oh, ew, Splinter will kill you."_

"Leo, focus_."_

"Right. Seven minutes. I don't see any labels."

"It could be small numbers anywhere on them."

"I don't-_Raph! What are y-Quit pushing!"_

"Leo?"

"Nope, I'm taking over, Donnie."

"Fine, but only if we've established that kicking, hitting, sticking, slicing or any sort of violent method or impatience isn't going to help. No weapons. _Raph is taking over."_

"Yeah, yeah. _Six minutes_. I'm cutting it."

"No wait! _Mikey, stop screaming, you're the look-out! We don't need any more trouble. Panicking is trouble. Yeah, the blast would hit us. No, I'm sure Raph can handle it. Yes, he can. Yes, he can. Yes. Yes. Ye-just be quiet! _Raph, you have to cut them in the right order, it's very important, so-_"_

"Shell, I-_Quit it, Leo. I can't see nothing for your fat fingers! Well, point it out without blocking me! Hey! Don said no weapon and I already tried that. Back off, it's my turn, Leo!"_

"Got it?"

"Yeah, I got it. Now what?"

"First you cut the one connected to the primer, then the reactor wire and then, and only then, the one connected to the ignition timer."

"Which one is which?"

"…"

"Don?"

"Uhm.. We've got a problem, guys."

"Mikey? Where the shell is Donnie?"

"He uhm.. He's out cold. We got sneaked up on. So.. How much time do you have left?"

"Well, get 'im up!"

"Oh, gee, why didn't I think of that? – of course I've already tried!"

"_Don is out. What now? We can't run, you said it yourself, there's people down there!"_

"I dunno, guys, maybe we should get out of here."

"Hey, listen, both of ya! If we run, people die."

"And if we don't?"

"We gotta try."

"We've got four minutes."

"…"

"…"

"Let's do it."

"Yeah. Okay. _Pretty sure that's the last one and that's the first one to cut_. I'm cutting the first."

".. Guys?"

"Still here. How do we choose which one to go with next?"

"You do it, Raphie."

"_I can't."_

"Raph-"

"Shuttup, both of ya, I'm not choosing."

"Fine. Eeenie, meenie, miny, moe?"

"… yeah, let's just get it over with. Two minutes. Mikey, I point, you rhyme."

"Okay! Eeenie meeny miny moe, catch a turtle by the toe, if he talks you let him go, eenie meeny miny moe."

"Great, not that one then. Got three more in ya?"

"Eeenie meeny miny moe, don't you even scratch his shell, Raphael will give you hell, eeenie meeny miny moe."

"Geez, Mike, where'd do ya get this stuff? So far, so good."

"Made it up years ago. Ready?"

"Uh-huh. Hurry. One minute."

"Eeenie meeny miny moe, fighting's not the way to go, Don is smart, you're not so, you've got many miles to go, eenie meeny miny moe."

"All right. Down to two."

"Eeeny meeny miny moe, if you grip the turtle tight, Leo has to show his might, you'll see him frown, he'll bring you down, eeeny meeny miny moe."

"…"

"Guys?"

"Shell, Mikey, you did it. You picked the right one."

"I did?"

"Way to go, knucklehead!"

"Aww, shucks."

"Where'd you get that rhyme anyway?"

"Used to sing it to myself when I had nightmares. Reminded me that you guys had my back, ya know."

" says Donnie's teaching us this when we get home."

"Yeah, that's gonna go smoothly. You know he lied when he said he'd guided you safely through fixing toasters, right? He snuck out and re-did it later. Said you were driving him crazy."

"… Well, can ya blame him? We just used a nursery rhyme to disarm a bomb."

"It's what we do."


	9. Chapter 9: Concentrate

"_Focus. Concentrate. Feel it. Believe it."_

"Mikey?"

"_You can do this. Don't think you can… know you can. Don't try. Do it or do not. There is no try. Unlearn what you have learned. Unsee what you have seen. Unhear-"_

"Mikey?"

"_Imagine it… See it happening… wait for it."_

"Mike!"

"Whaat? Whaddya want, Donnie? Go away, I'm busy!"

"With what? How long have you been kneeling here?"

"About half an hour. Takes time. I'm concentrating."

"On what?"

"Don't you see? Right there!"

"I see a shut off television. That particular variable usually means you're not here. Why are you here?"

"Fine, I'll explain it to you, but don't get into this habit of asking stupid questions, Donatello, it's very frustrating! … Don't give me that look… What? _Whaaaat?_"

"Never mind. I admit, little brother, you have me stumped."

"I'm going. To get Raphie. To hit himself."

"Stop talking to me like I'm five. And Raph is sleeping."

"Aha! Sleeping on that chair!"

"Yeah?"

"Right in front of us!"

"Is that why we're hiding behind the couch? This has potential to backfire?"

"Not at all. Now, watch me!"

"Wait! Do I want to see this? Are you going to get me in trouble?"

"Shhh."

"Because it's fun and all, but I'd like to only spectate. Should I move further away?"

"_Shhhh._"

"Right… Now you're pointing at him. Why are you pointing at him? How is this going accomplish anything? This will lead to him hitting you, not himself."

"…."

"Mikey?"

"Shush, Donnie! Just pretend it's an experiment. You've got loads of patience for those. I saw you staring at a cup for two hours once. My mind needs time to work!"

"That's true."

"Shhh!"

"…."

"…."

"…."

"…."

"Hey, there's a fly. There's never any flies down here."

"…."

"Oh, look, it's heading right for- Oh no."

"…"

"No way. No. No-no-no-no. That is not how the world works."

"…."

*SLAP*

"Holy shell."

"YEES! He slapped himself!"

"He flabbed the fly away and hit himself in his sleep. Mikey, that wasn't you."

"I can't believe it! I did it!"

"Once again, fly. Not you."

"I can do telekinesis!"

"Mikey, is wasn't-"

"Did you see that?!"

"Yeah, but you got lu-"

"I'm gonna go make Leo eat a candle!"

"… Mikey!"

"Don? Where's Mikey goin´?"

"I think he's going to stare at Leo for a few hours."

".. Why?"

"I-I´m washing my hands of this. But expect lots and lots of starring from Mikey. Oh God, this is going be the worst week ever. That's it."

"Hey! Where are you goin´?"

"I'm gonna live at April's the next few days. Maybe go up to the farmhouse."

"But.. Wait! If you're running away, no way I'm staying! Still don't get what's goin´ on, but.. should we tell Leo to hide?"

"Nu-uh, let Mikey stare at Leo while he meditates and let Leo think Mikey is meditating while staring – they'll be happy together."

"But shouldn't we-"

"No."

"Should I-"

"No."

"Okay. SEE YA IN A WEEK, FEARLESS!"

"WHAA?"

"NOTHIN´!"

"…"

"Mikey, quit staring at me. Mikey. Quit it. Mikey."

"_Focus. Concentrate. Feel it. Believe it." _

"Mikey?"

"_Shhhh."_

* * *

_**A/N I wish I had a little brother. How did this one work out? I love hearing from you - letting me know that you laughed or enjoyed it is making me very happy, and finding out what was funny to you helps me shape the next little story. Ideas and requests are as always welcome, keeps the updates coming faster. Ideas for improvements make me better, so bring it on. I'm brainstorming a great request from the sleepyhead right now, who asked for one where they talk about Raphael. To me it begs the question: Do you want me to keep this in humor or should I add other genres? Or does dialog stories not work with deeper issues and is best kept light? Please review!**_


	10. Chapter 10: Late-night call: Casey Jones

"_Raph! Hello? Raph!"_

"… Whaddya want, Bonehead?"

"_Did I wake you? Sorry 'bout that, man."_

"Why did ya?"

"_Yeah, about that."_

"Casey, tell me that ain't.."

"_Good news, I got the diamonds from them. Bad news-"_

"Is that sirens?"

"_Well, three guesses and it ain't the paramedics! Raph, man, I gotta stash the diamonds!"_

"Don't swallow them."

"_Right. I'm gonna swallow them, Raph!"_

"No, man, don't- dammit!"

"_We can return 'em later!"_

"I ain't touching those."

"_Why not?"_

"You dumbskull. Where are ya?"

"_They're getting closer, man!"_

"One day I'll lose my patience and I'll hit you. In the face. Very hard. Again."

"_Yeah, that's nice, but what the hell am I supposed to do?"_

"Just stop the freaking bike. They've got nothing on you now."

"_Weeeeell…"_

"Aw, man! What's wrong with you?"

"_Hey, to hell with ya, what's wrong with you?!"_

"I ain't the one getting chased down by the _boys in blue_!"

"_They're just so damn stubborn, they're following me everywhere!"_

"Geez, I wonder why!"

"_I'm not sure I'm liking you're attitude, Mister."_

"Case, just stop. You're gonna get yourself killed."

"_Aw, Raphie, I'm touched! But high speed driving is what I do best!"_

"Get rid of the shellcell first, will ya? Or Leo will kill ya."

"_Tsh, stupid Leo. I'll show 'em!"_

"Don't be an assbutt, you're gonna crash. Pull over!"

"_And give up without a fight? Not Casey Jones!"_

"You're not fighting, you're running."

"_I never run!"_

"You're an idiot.. How long have they been following you anyway?"

"_Uhm… Well.. Awhile.."_

"How long is awhile, Edward Cullen?"

"_Seriously, man? You watched Twilight?"_

"Shuttup."

"_You shuttup."_

"Just stop the damn bike before you crash."

"_FINE!"_

"…"

"…"

"Oh c'mon, dickhead, you ain't gonna fight them."

"_How'd ya know?"_

"Put those away, man, you can talk your way out of this. On second thought, maybe you should run."

"…"

"…"

"_Dammit, poopface, you're paying for this ticket."_

"In my dreams, which I'll be returning to shortly."

"…"

"You got something to say?"

"…"

"Well, when you're done _thinking_ at me-"

"_I could have gotten away, Raph."_

"I just saved you from jail, halfbrain. And possibly death. Why I keep doing it, I don't even wanna know. I'm hungry, bring down some food."

"_I could've just taken him down."_

"Yeah, who's side are you on anyway? We talked about this. Need a reminder?"

"_No."_

"The great Casey Jones, sulking. Forget it, man, you don't wanna die in a crash anyway."

"_.. Ya right. We're going down swinging, dammit!"_

"Ya got it."

"_Yeah, you're right! Pick your battles and that jazz! Did Splinter teach ya that?"_

"Mikey, actually. Don't tell him that."

"_Aww-"_

"Ya got problems, man. Why don't ya fix yourself and bring me food, jerk."

"_I'm not a dog, bitch."_

"Could've fooled me, always whining."

_"I don't whine!"_

"Fetch. Food."

_"Get it. Yourself."_

"Nobody wants a bad dog, Case."

_"Screw you, man. Pizza good or?"_

"… duh."

_"Right. Nevermind."_

**A/N Well**_**, the sleepyhead**_**, talking about Raphael became talking TO Raphael. I have no control.**

**I really value your opinions - most wanna stick with humor, but think these dialog fics can be capable of more if I want them to(you're so supportive, I love you guys!) – I guess we'll see what happens and agree that if they start getting uninteresting or boring, you'll let me know, won't you? ;) Review, please!**


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